So, today I worked out. Not only that, but I worked out at a gym.

Now, this isn’t the first time I’ve worked out. In fact, I’ve been an athlete for almost my entire life, with the exception of the past year or so. And not being active has been KILLING ME. I don’t have the self-discipline (or haven’t, I think I’m getting better now) to maintain my own fitness routine, and since all of the sports I have ever been involved with have been team sports, I never had to worry about it because my team kept me accountable. Needless to say, since I stopped being on a team I have put on some weight.

The weight hasn’t been just because of my exercise habits, it’s also been because I have always been crappy at eating well. I always just shove whatever shows up on my plate into my mouth without even considering it. Believe me, it’s gotten bad.

With that being said, this summer, I finally decided I have had enough. I am so over being a fat girl that feels fat. Looking overweight has always been an issue for me, but when I was an athlete, I didn’t care as much because I was focused on my sports, having fun with them, and I was actually kind of okay at most of them. I didn’t feel like a fat girl despite my size.

But now it has gotten to the point where I feel fat constantly. 

When I say that, I don’t just mean when I look in the mirror, either. I mean literally, 24/7. I’m afraid to meet up with old friends because I’m worried their first thought will be, “Oh my god, she has totally let herself go,” and when I sit at my desk at work, all I can think about is if the people in my office think less of me because I constantly have fat rolls under my shirt because even though they can’t see them, I know they’re there.

But like I said, I’ve had enough, so I’ve started a journey of health.

Not just any journey, but one that involves actually being mindful of what I am putting into my body and treating it with respect, but also by working out. This brings me back to my main point: working out at the gym.

I usually detest going to the gym, because most of the things you can do there you can do anywhere else but with a better aroma surrounding you and less humans, but I went. Because swimming in Lake Washington seemed like an idea I was not ready to entertain.

Usually when I go to the gym, I am petrified of all of the people there who are more fit than I am. There is no greater fear as a fat person than to be in a room full of people that the mean part of your brain has trained you to fear and hate out of jealousy. But I went. I conquered my fear of fit people.

And it was awesome.

Why was it so awesome? Well,being there with a strong sense that my fitness was for me, and me alone, I didn’t even care about the other people there. In fact, I feel a little narcissistic for assuming all of these fit gym folk were judging me or even cared I was there in the first place. The thing is, before, when I was trying to get myself to work out because I felt like I had to work my ass off just to be considered “hot”, I constantly felt like I was being judged because I was judging myself. That’s basically a huge reason for me not going to the gym or being willing to try it. Honestly, I was kind of a total asshole to myself, and that was so obviously not the move.

The move is to be nice to you. I know it’s so cliché to hear, but really loving yourself is the easiest way to get your life on track. I know mine is not necessarily on track yet, but it’s been two weeks since I started actively trying to change my unhealthy lifestyle, and I already feel like I have learned so much about food, fitness, and myself.

I also want to say thank you to the people in my life who helped me get to this point where I’m starting to be more healthy and mindful. I asked a ton of people for advice because I wanted to figure out what the best way was for me to be able to change my lifestyle, and they all said the same stuff. I just had to hear it about a gazillion times before I started doing it.

Life is hard, you know? But treating yourself with respect makes it a little easier to navigate, and basically respecting your body is just treating it to be a little healthier than you were the day before.

Until next time, folks.