I just want to take a minute and write about one of my least favorite things in the world: doubt.

Doubt is ugly. It destroys friendships, marriages, dreams, and generally is just an overall door closer. (not a nearby door, but shuts them, you feel?) Doubt has made me stay in relationships that I don’t want to be in, influenced me to lower my standards of myself, and to make me feel pretty bad all around. But why does this matter? Why is recognizing and examining doubt something that’s important?

Well, for one thing, it’s better to know things than to not, but also it’s important because unless you identify a problem and understand it thoroughly, you don’t have a prayer in making it your bitch.

I love being the boss, and I love being in control. There was one point in my college career (many actually), where I would do mundane tasks just because my life felt out of control and I needed to exercise some power. My favorite was cleaning the kitchen. Who doesn’t love a clean kitchen?

Anyway, after looking back and reflecting on all of the times that I felt out of control or not the boss of what the hell was going on in my life, I realized all of those times have one major theme in common. In case you didn’t already put this together, the answer is doubt.

Doubt has made me feel out of control. It makes me angry, because usually the doubt I feel makes me feel stupid. Oftentimes, I would second guess myself in making important decisions or maybe just my own abilities. Either way, whenever doubt reared its ugly head, I usually ended up kicking myself because I missed a cool opportunity, will never know what it would have been like to talk to that cute guy eating pizza across the room, or to say something to someone that might have changed their mind.

Don’t get me wrong, doubt has the capability of being something beneficial. When I doubt the content of an email I send at work, I can promise you that I re-read that email thirty more times before I send it to my boss. Not doubting things like that can make you feel stupid too, so yeah, I can see where having doubts would be a good thing.

However, any way you shine a light on our friend doubt, she’s not very nice to have around. Doubt is like a triple edged sword (which I’m not sure is real). You know that you’re doubting something so you try to just go for it to prove yourself wrong, but then you end up failing and after that you doubt more things and stop trying new things forever. This sucks. That is not the way I want to live my life.

Some of you may be thinking, “But wait, Jeanie, if I don’t doubt things, how will I make good decisions without walking into a mine field on accident because I wanted to be doubt free?”

Well first of all, I would tell you mine fields are generally pretty clearly labeled, so I don’t think you’ll walk into one. But I would also tell you that living doubt free is impossible. Some might say that living life to the fullest is all about taking chances and not doubting yourself and blah, blah, blah. They are wrong.

I think you should live with doubt. I’ve spent all of this time writing about how much doubt sucks, but honestly, a lot of things suck. Paying taxes sucks, getting your car fixed and having to pay for it sucks, honestly paying for things in general is just not really that fun, but the thing is its necessary. You cannot live life with only pretty and lovely things, the same way you cannot live life with only ugly, horrible things – that’s reality. And since we all live in reality (most of the time), we have to learn to live with doubt.

Understand your doubt. Understand yourself. The more you understand these things, the more you can conquer them. Living with doubt and fear is natural. I hate to be the one to say this, but there is no way to purge those feelings from your system forever unless you’re a Vulcan or something. The key is to simply learn about who you are, in your own head.

I personally have not mastered my doubt, and I don’t know that I ever will, but that’s okay! I would much rather just master the know-how of me. They say knowledge is power, but no matter how much you study or experience, you cannot be powerful if you do not have knowledge of yourself.